Watching Sitcoms

Just a few more weeks for The Bachelorette and thanks to our friend Sandy the Reality TV Guru, we’re getting the inside scoop.

It was finally time for our Jillian to go meet some “fah-milies” (again, I have no idea what kind of accent she uses for that word) this week on The Bachelorette. I never thought we’d get out of western Canada for this to happen. And thank goodness none of the guys lived anywhere where there was any snow at the time of year that the family visits were filmed. I had visions of Jillian romping and rolling around in the snow with the families and I was sure I couldn’t take one more moment of it.

First up we have Real Estate Reid and we head to his hometown of Philadelphia. These hometown dates seem rather short, probably because we are cramming in five instead of four, so we don’t get to see much of Reid and Jillian alone in Philly before they head off to his parent’s home. Reid’s whole family seems to be in real estate and they start sizing Jillian up as to how she will fit into the family business. His mother seems to think that having an interior designer in the family would work out well for staging homes. They seem to think of marriage as some kind of business contract, no love or attraction required. And poor Reid has been in the business since he was 18 years old. Reid has never had to think or make decisions for himself apparently. It also becomes quite clear that Reid is not only an OCD hypochondriac germaphobe, but he has commitment issues too. And he doesn’t like public displays of affection. His brother sums him up pretty well when he states “he has no problem getting the girls to come to him but then they just go away”. Big red flag there. Reid is not ready to propose at the end of this show and they still don’t seem to have anything to talk about or anything in common. He’s cute but a life with Reid would be excruciatingly dull.

Next up is our little Michael the Break Dancer. He’s starting to grow on me as an adorable little puppy might. He’s all jumpy and bouncy and immature but he wears his heart on his sleeve and he is the only one at this point who seems to be genuinely infatuated with Jillian. So that can’t be good because apparently Jillian wants the guy she has to work at a relationship with. Michael is too young for her anyway and he’ll have plenty of fun younger girls to play with after this show airs because he is so adorable. So Michael lives in Valencia California, although I could have sworn his bio said he was from New York, and he has an identical twin brother. Oh great, two for one special with this guy. And of course they try to do the old twin switcheroo on Jillian but she’s not biting. Not surprising because although they do look very much alike, there’s enough subtle differences to be able to tell them apart when you’ve just seen both together moments earlier. They should have sent the brother to meet her in the first place but then again they didn’t even send Michael to meet her. She just kind of showed up at his house. That had to be the shortest hometown visit ever. So the date ended with the whole family dancing and having a good time and since all Jillian can say about Michael is that she loves that he makes her laugh, she has absolutely no physical attraction to him and so we know that Michael is not advancing past this point because he‘s not a producer‘s choice to stay around. (more on that scandal later)

Hometown date number three takes us to San Diego to meet Kiptyn the Molester’s family. There’s something arrogant about Kiptyn and I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on it. He’s given an indication that’s he never been dumped, always done the dumping, and that he has no problems attracting the ladies. I thought that was the basis for my feelings about his arrogance until we were given a glimpse into his home life. His family has some coin. They have a beautiful California estate home that looks like one of the opulent places they send the Bachelors and Bachelorettes to on the fantasy dates. And then we meet Kippy’s mother Eve and suffice it to say I could never, ever, deal with this woman as my mother-in-law. Her superiority and arrogance over poor little Jilly was appalling. The caution tape around the hot tub because of her little drunken faux pas during last season’s Bachelor show was a tasteless and tacky move on the part of the family. Good on Jilly for keeping her wits about her and joking about it. And the scene at the end where she and Kiptyn actually did get into the hot tub and his mother was gawking from the window was just weird. Kiptyn may have got the longest or at least the most screen time from his date but I can see why. I stated last week that I see him finishing in second place as the guy she has a physical attraction to but not much substance and that he might go on to be the next Bachelor. If that is the case, I hope the girls that apply for the next show got a good look at what they were competing for. I’d run…as far as possible…from anything involving him or his mother.

Our fourth hometown date takes us to Jesse’s hometown of Carmel California and his family’s winery. This date seems forced and awkward and the only bright spot is Jesse’s brother Jacob. He’s a cynical guy who pretty much sums up what we’re all thinking about this show. Is it possible that anyone can actually fall in love this way? So he pulls no punches and just asks the questions outright. And Jesse pretty much lets us know that no, it’s not possible. He likes her and everything. Would date her after the show. But a proposal just ain’t gonna happen here. And then during Jacob’s little chat with Jillian we get the question and answer that we’ve all been waiting to hear. “So have you guys like seen each other naked?” And Jillians response was classic. “No, no…we’ve haven’t gotten to that stage in the show yet”…or something like that. So there you go. Proof positive that the overnight fantasy dates are not just about “talking”. Not that we ever thought they were. So the family cracks out the instruments for a little jam session and it’s just obviously apparent that Jesse’s time is up.

All of the previous hometown dates were just fodder nonsense for the event that everyone had been waiting for anyway. We already saw previews that Jake the Pilot was making a return engagement to Austin Texas to confront Wes the Douche on the girlfriend issue. As we were eagerly anticipating this showdown, we had to be subjected to Wes taking Jillian to some odd parking lot stage to watch him sing with his band. And apparently she finally got to hear the completed song that he “wrote for her” (yeah right) but thankfully we were not subjected to the whole thing. Then the best part of the show commenced when they showed Jake in all his pilot glory strolling through the airport on his way to the hotel for his big cameo. Jake is not a good actor so everything they involve him in is weird and stunted but at least I got to see that slim waist and those wide shoulders once again…sigh. Cut to some uglyazz hotel room somewhere in Austin and Jillian sitting on an Austin Power’s round sofa waiting for Wes to come pick her up to take her to meet his family. A knock on the door and SURPRISE it’s Jake!! Okay so it was obviously set up and the acting was abysmal but not only did we get the goods on Wes the Douche’s girlfriend, we even got a name. Laurel. Wonder what she’s plugging? I’m sure we’ll find out after the finale airs.

So long story short, Jillian confronts Wes the Douche. He hedges around the question. She brings back Jake for another cameo because you can never get enough Jake. The boys confront each other. Wes calls Jake a liar. Jake says he can’t believe that his “good buddy” would lie to his face. Things get tense. Jillian stops it and walks Jake out. Jake cries over the balcony ledge a la Jason from the Bachelor. And then it hits me. MAYBE JAKE IS BEING SET UP AS THE NEW BACHELOR!! A girl can dream can’t she? So Wes takes Jillian to meet his family which not surprisingly consists of all women who pass over the question of whether he has a girlfriend by telling Jillian that all the guys are always jealous of Wesley. I sit there and wonder if these people are really even related to him while they all sit around and trash talk Jake and then the date is finally over. One more week of this stupid story line I keep telling myself….it’s almost done.

Cut to the uglyazz hotel room again and we’ve got Jillian saying that she can’t handle any more surprises and once again there is a surprise knock on the door. Do they really expect us to believe that this stuff is all random? Okay so I wonder who that could be? Oh look it’s Normal Ed. And Jillian is so surprised!!…NOT. So just like we all knew, Ed has come back for another chance because he made a big mistake putting his career before her and blah blah blah, Jillian invites him to the rose ceremony. Just like that. Broke the rules of the show and everything without even consulting anyone. Wow she’s got some power over at ABC. Gah…I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Three weeks left? They’d better start showing some skin.

At the rose ceremony, the five guys are all lined up and Chris Harrison announces that there will be a sixth guy joining them. They guys all look surprised so maybe this was thrown at them by surprise and they had no idea Ed was going to come back and if that is the case, Wes the Douche’s face is the best because you know he thinks it’s Jake. He’s seen Jake and knows he’s in town. Now that would have been a way better story line. I so need to “produce” for this show. So Ed walks in the room and poor adorable Michael the Break Dancer does the math immediately and knows his fate. It’s written all over him. And he leaves with the most class I’ve ever seen anyone leave with. He mentions that she just broke his heart but he can’t say anything bad about the girl. He’ll always remember the thousands of things that he loved about her. And then the realization hits him. “Man I straight up loved that girl didn’t I?” and the glassy eyes show his emotion. Michael will be fine though. There’s someone out there who will appreciate his adorable self and help him get back on his dancing feet. And it might just end up being Tanner the Foot Fetish Serial Killer. I still want to see the two of them in a sitcom. Jesse knows the numbers too but he doesn’t seem to care. And he just walks out without looking back. No regrets. I knew I liked Jesse for a reason.

So we’re down to four guys…Normal Ed, Reid the Realtor, Kiptyn the Arrogant Molester and Wes the Douche. We’re heading for Spain next week and now we’re talking. I’m sure I’ll find lots of eye candy in the background scenes there. I only have one question. Is this the show where they all get naked? Because if it is that’s a shame. All the hot bodies are long gone. Can Jake make another appearance shirtless in Spain? He can fly himself over there so why not? He needs to stop being the perfect guy and just punch Wes the Douche in the face. On a beach shirtless of course. That is definitely too much to hope for but I do get to anticipate the possibility that Wes the Douche is finally getting the boot. That will come in a close second to seeing Jake shirtless again.

A quick note to add. Reality Steve announced before this season ever got underway that he knew for a fact that two men were approached by ABC and were offered money to do the show with a guaranteed final four finish. According to his sources, both men refused. But these were only men he knew about. Most likely they were both from Texas since that is where Reality Steve is based. So which one of the final four men do you think might also have been approached with this offer? Hmmmm….tough call. Could it be the guy who’s trying to plug his career, who has girlfriend named Laurel and is the only one left from Texas? The one who the sleuthers have determined is the guy who gets the boot in fourth place right before the final fantasy dates? Gotta love the “reality” in reality television.