Watching Sitcoms

Another wonderful installment from Sandy the Reality TV Guru updating us on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette.

Well, we’re down to eight guys vying for Jillian’s attention and we’re no closer to figuring out just what the girl is looking for in a future husband so let’s just throw them all on the Rocky Mountaineer train through British Columbia and Alberta and see what happens. Sounds like a good plan, and so very Canadian. Actually, I’m kind of jealous of that train trip. It’s one that I’ve always wanted to go on. I mean if I can get my perfect Ken Doll Jake to fly me to British Columbia, we’re so gonna do that trip only this time it’ll be all one on one, all of the time. What do you say Jake? I’m waiting. And you’ve apparently got some extra time on your hands…well we’ll get to that later.

The train takes off from the station and we are informed that there are going to be two one on one dates and one group date this week. There will be five roses handed out and those five guys will be taking Jillian home to meet their families. And as a Canadian I’d just like to point out that no one I know pronounces family the way Jillian does. I’m not sure where she’s picked up that strange accent but it’s not Canadian. Just thought I’d put that out there.

First up is Robby the Bartender. Not surprisingly, I find out that Robby is 25, the same age as Michael the Break Dancer, but since he’s had very little air time I guess I didn’t realize that she still had at least two young’uns left on the show. And why she still has them there is anyone’s guess. Their immaturity and her complete lack of physical attraction to either of them is too obvious. But you need to have some fodder hanging around for bad story lines I suppose. And Robby gets to be the train fodder. Robby’s date consists of dinner with Jillian on the train and a little alone time in her private car. The guy can’t even get a decent one on one date out of this show. So Robby whips up some cocktails and proceeds to talk himself out of any possibility of hanging around. First he tells Jillian how his three older brothers are marriage shy. Then he tells her that he’s “in between” jobs. Huh? How can a bartender be in between jobs? There’s a bar on every corner out in California where Robby is from and he can’t get a job? And then he proceeds to talk about how he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. Okay so now we know he’s an unemployed kid with absolutely no direction who comes from a family of commitment shy boys. That should really gain him some points….not. And in a scene that rivals the bus ride of doom from an earlier episode, Robby’s demise is just as hysterical. The train slows down as Jillian is delivering her “I’d love to marry you but not right now…maybe in 5 or ten years speech” and then it comes to a complete stop and Robby and all his luggage are tossed off and left to stand at the side of the tracks in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. And as the train pulls away and the other guys wave at him through the window, Robby just shakes his head and grabs his luggage. Funny stuff.

So Jillian goes back to her private car to pretend to feel bad about hurting Robby and tries to grab a little shut eye but this is interrupted by our favourite bad boy Wes the Douche. Now I’d just like to point out here that if it was that easy for these guys to just wander into her private car, there would have been a lot more action on that train so it’s obvious that once again the producers have set this up. Wes the Douche is there for his career…no question. And he’s said things on camera that obviously point that out. And the producers have used everything he’s said and have contorted it to give him a really nasty story line. I have to wonder if they’re not a little pissed off that someone actually might have come on their show to try to launch a career and they’ve decided to give him the worst possible edit to make sure that everyone who watches the show hates him and the last thing they want to do is purchase his music. It sure looks that way. I wouldn’t have purchased his music anyway because it’s not my thing but the producers sure are making it difficult for him. Anyway, he cuddles with Jillian and a whole bunch of voice-overs play which make him sound like the biggest douche who ever walked. And I’m still incredibly bored with this story line so I don’t care what happens to Wes the Douche.

The group date is up next and we’ve got Tanner the Foot Fetish Serial Killer, Michael the Break Dancer, Wes the Douche, Jake the Pilot, Jesse (who is now my second favourite after Jake) and Kiptyn the Molester cued up for some fun in the snow….again. This is the most boring season I can ever remember and every date since they left LA seems to be Jillian frolicking in the snow with assorted groups of guys or one on one. The train has stopped again and they are at Emerald Lake. They play some hide and seek (lame) and Jake finds Jillian under a tree gets a little snuggle time. Jake is a hopeless dork who is always trying to say the right things. I don’t get it really, the boy could just remove his shirt and say nothing and have the women flocking to him but he insists on being the “nice guy” and opening his mouth and showing off his dorkiness. Everything he says sounds scripted so all we’re geting from his story line is his nice guy persona and his obvious attraction to Jillian…so much so that he feels a need to protect her. This will come in handy next week when he returns to confront Wes the Douche, but for this week he just keeps going down the nice guy road to nowhere.

They all end up in a chalet for drinks (big surprise *insert big eye roll here*) and as Jillian takes them all aside one by one, we finally get Tanner’s admission to being the “someone has a girlfriend” snitch. Are we still working with this stupid story line? I am so over that one. So anyway, this makes Wes the Douche get all defensive and say some more nasty things that seem to surprise my Jake who considers himself to be a good friend of Wes the Douche. Something tells me that Jake considers himself everyone’s best friend. This guy couldn’t dislike anyone enough to think otherwise and this is why I love him. Jake will put his woman on a pedestal and keep her there forever and that’s where I need to be. Call me Jake.

The most intriguing part of the night was when they started talking about what they wear to bed (who does this?). Tanner the Foot Fetish Serial Killer decided to “show” Jillian what he wears and proceeded to drop his pants right there in front of her and the other guys. He was wearing some tighty whitey high cut briefs and can I say Tanner the Foot Fetish Serial Killer has been very blessed. Well of course I can say that, he said it himself later on. Who else will admit that when he had his one on one time with Jillian and he was rubbing her feet, they were trying to get another look at that package? Just me? I doubt it. Even Jillian had to comment on the package. I have a feeling Tanner is going to be more popular with the ladies when he returns to Texas. But as an afternote to this blog, it has been brought to my attention that ABC blurred out Tanner’s package…not here in Canada. We might have snow and ice but at least we get to see an impressive package when it‘s presented to us. I guess that’s the justice in it all? So after a gratuitous dip in a hot tub that looked like a little kiddie pool, Kiptyn the Molester got the date rose and a guaranteed trip back home to introduce Jillian to his family. No surprise really considering all of their alone time is very little conversation and lots of face sucking and body molesting.

Meanwhile, back on the train, Reid the Realtor with the On and Off Glasses (I will plug his website www.reidrosenthal.com just for the heck of it because he hasn‘t managed to irritate me yet) is gearing up for his first one on one date with Jillian. He’s not sure whether or not he should wear his glasses. This always seems to be a tough choice for him because we’ve had plenty of bloopers this season of scenes in which Reid is alternately either wearing his glasses or not wearing his glasses. Isn’t this supposed to be a reality show where everything is just filmed as it happens? How is it then that the scenes are fitted together in such a way that Reid’s glasses are on and off, giving away the fact that there are several takes of the same scene spliced together? Just something to ponder. So how should he decide what to do? Well let’s just ask the lone female staff member on the train. She opts for the glasses off look. Personally I would have told him to keep them on. They make him look older than 12.

Reid’s date with Jillian consists of snowboarding down a mountain and then time eating and drinking in a chalet. Are they kidding us with this monotony? Jillian lives in Vancouver. She can’t possibly love snow this much. I know I don’t and I’m not sure I know of any other Canadian who does. I’m beginning to think they’re just making fun of her Canadianess now. The snowboarding was less than stellar and then they moved on to a patio where they got to sit at an ice sculpture bench and table and drink out of ice sculptured beer steins. Oh come on now…enough with this already. Yes we have snow and ice but not all the time for cripes sakes. I thought we’d gotten past that we all live in igloos up here year round.

During the dinner part of their date, Reid let’s us in on his big dark secret…he’s a hypochondriac. Actually I’d go a little further and throw in germaphobe with a touch of OCD too. They also discover that they have nothing in common and that they live on opposite ends of the continent. So what does Jillian do about this? Why give him a rose of course. I still have no idea what this woman is looking for. As far as I’m concerned this is just a big set-up waiting for Ed to return. I am going to go out on a limb and make a prediction here. I say it’s Ed for the win with Kiptyn coming in a close second and getting the next Bachelor show. Reid will most likely round out the top three. That’s my guess. Well this week anyway.

So on to the rose ceremony. I don’t think we got a cocktail party this week either. I guess they’ve just decided to scrap those altogether in case someone has any other revealing detail about another guy that they don’t want anyone talking about. Before the rose ceremony, Jillian pulls Michael the Break Dancer aside for a last minute chat about whether he’s actually prepared for her to meet his family. At this point, I know my Jake is toast. He’s just too nice…too safe and a little too desperate. She doesn’t want to hurt him by keeping him around…it’s obvious. But that’s okay, I’m here for you Jake…although first you’ve got to fulfil your contract next week and be the “nice guy” by going back to rescue Jillian by ratting out Wes the Douche. I’ll be waiting when you’re done. They don’t appreciate you like I do anyway.

So Jake and Tanner the Foot Fetish Serial Killer (even with that impressive package) don’t receive roses and are banished from the snow capped mountains of Canada. They both must have breathed a huge sigh of relief. I think I figured out the logistics of it all though. 4 out of the seven were from the Dallas area. That would have made the hometown dates pretty awkward so she dumped 2 out of the four. Makes sense. She’s waiting for Ed to return anyway….mark my words.