Watching Sitcoms

Once again, we can thank Sandy the Reality TV Guru for sending us a post about The Bachelorette so that at least there is some content on this site. The good news is that I should be getting a computer soon.

Well the boys got a real treat this week, they’re giving up the tool shed for good. Apparently all that beautiful sun and warm temperatures were getting to our little Jilly because the show has decided to move north to the perpetual rain and hair frizzing humidity of Vancouver, British Columbia…Jillian’s hometown.

After getting a tour of their new 3 bedroom suite at the Fairmont Royal York hotel, the guys are informed that we’re in for a one on one date, a group date and the dreaded two on one date where someone is guaranteed a bus ride back to oblivion.

First up we have Kiptyn. I haven’t mentioned Kiptyn yet because…well he’s been pretty much invisible for most of the show. And that can only mean one thing, he‘s probably the final one. He’s a dead ringer for Steve Guttenburg, except for his oversized ears, but Jilly seems to be really smitten with his sparkly eyes and the fact that he’s never had his heart broken so he gets the card for the one on one date.

Now that they’re on her home turf, Jillian is going to show them all how she would usually spend a date so what better way than to head down to the frigid beach and jump into kayaks to paddle your way to the market. Sounds like a typical day in the life of the average Canadian to me. After kicking her butt in the kayak race (who is she trying to kid? She’s never even seen a kayak), Kiptyn proceeds to manhandle our little Jilly throughout the rest of the date. Whenever her face is anywhere in the vicinity of his, or even if it’s not, Kiptyn plants one on her. I think I lost count of the lip locks around number 47. So they go to “her place” (again…highly doubt that was her apt) to cook up some pasta but the only thing cooking there was the attraction between these two. After years of watching both the Bachelor and the Bachelorette, I can guarantee that Kiptyn is at least final 2 if not the actual winner. Sorry if I spoiled this for anyone but how could he not be? No need to even type this but yes…Kiptyn got a rose.

On to the group date. Once again, in the tradition of all that is corny, Jillian decides to take the guys to play one of Canada’s favourite pastimes…curling. As a Canadian I am offended. I have never set foot into the inside of a curling rink and I don’t plan to anytime soon…especially after watching the dullness that is 10 guys trying to hurl a curling stone down a rink to win an evening with Jillian. I don’t even have an interesting anecdote from that date because it was just stupid. But I did notice the other sleeper of the season when he decided to put on some glasses to make himself stand out from the crowd. At this time I’d like to introduce Reid, the most likely other member of the final two tag team. While I still think that Chicago Ed is the best choice for our little Jilly, he may have peaked too early with last week’s one on one date and he’s now on the slow slide to oblivion. So the guys curled in two teams, red vs. blue, and the red team won when some guy named Jesse accidentally didn’t the throw the stone through the other end of the building and actually landed one in the centre of the ring.

Thanks to Jesse’s fluke, the red team got to spend the rest of the day on a boat in the harbour with Jillian while the blue team got to head back to the hotel and dish about their girlfriends back home. The five guys who made up the red team are Jesse (got nothing on him, don‘t even know when he showed up), Robby the Bartender, Jake the Pilot, Juan the Snake and Ragin’ Dave. Now with that line-up, I’d have grabbed Jake by the scruff of the neck and bailed on the others pronto but not our Jillian. In fact, she’s starting to have a problem with Jake because he’s…too perfect. I’ll take a little of that please…in fact I’ll take it all. Let him go Jillian, he’s way too good for you anyway and I have my flight to Dallas booked for July. So instead of ravaging Jake like any normal woman would do, she dutifully spends time talking with each of them and the much awaited showdown between her and Ragin’ Dave finally happens. Dave is once again in fine form and about 10 tequila’s in before he starts to treat Jillian like a two bit tramp and demand a kiss because…”hell, you’ve kissed everyone here”. What? Is this guy for real? He is on testosterone overload most of the time and he’s still engulfed in his own secret man code and frankly he’s just a rude pig. After a few f-bombs and a few too many tequilas, Dave is basically shot down by Jillian and is sent back to rage in silence. Considering that his arch enemy Juan was also on this group date, I was expecting much more from this but if something did happen and Dave is now doing time for assault and battery on Juan, the show has decided to keep it quiet. I wonder if Dave will ever date again? I think we’ll be hearing about him sometime in the future…and not in a good way. So at the end of the date, Jillian gives the rose to Jesse because…well she finally got to kiss him. What better reason? Oh and the fact that he was the only one who could keep a curling stone on the rink might have helped.

On to the two on one date. When they announced the names for the group date and that left Speedo Mike sitting there, I knew he was one of the two for this date. Nothing can match my shock about the other guy though. The camera panned over to someone that I cannot even remember seeing getting out of a limo on the very first show. Are they playing tricks on us here and just substituting guys to see who’s paying attention? So the other guy on the two on one date is Mark. He’s a pizza entrepreneur, sounds like a winner to me.

For the two on one date, Jillian decides to take the guys on a helicopter ride to a lodge at Grouse Mountain. This is a famous place in BC for those of you who care. The whole date is being set up as Jillian and Speedo Mike going on a date and tolerating the third wheel named Mark who the producers made them be nice to. This can only mean one thing. Speedo Mike is toast. This show is so predictable.
They hop into the helicopter and of course instead of seating Jillian in the middle between the two guys so she can have equal time with them, they put Speedo Mike in the middle as a barrier between Jillian and Mark. If that isn’t staged enough, they then proceed to have Jillian and Speedo Mike hold hands for the ride while Mark is over to the other side probably twittering his girlfriend back home. I’m kidding about this. Mark is not the one with the girlfriend…I think.

After arriving at the lodge for dinner, Speedo Mike proceeds to do about 27 personal interviews where he talks about how perfect he is for Jillian, how they have a great connection and how he is sure that he is the one getting the rose this evening. Oh and of course he utters the “L” word that all women want to hear on the first date you’ve had with a guy…and his buddy. He’s starting to fall in love and even though he’s not the best looking, or the most successful guy there, he’d take care of Jillian and make sure she had everything she ever wanted. Pass me the airline barf bag Jake…oh wait, Jake is not here with me….yet.

Her conversation with Mike was deep and meaningful and her conversation with Mark was basically Mark saying “It’s insane to think I’m gonna fall in love with you or anyone in this environment” so of course she picked Mark and Speedo Mike was on the first gondola to the airport as fast as she could get rid of him.

On to the cocktail party that wasn’t.

The guys are all hanging around in the suite for the cocktail party and Jillian shows up in the ugliest gold lame dress I’ve ever seen. Usually I like her fashion sense and it suits her quirky personality but that dress looked like a reject from the Donna Summer collection of 1972. So since the numbers are dwindling, Jillian gets to spend time before the cocktail party talking one on one with some of the guys. And during this time she starts to hear some disturbing things about how “some of the guys are not there for the right reasons” (like we’ve never heard that before) and then our favourite foot fetish serial killer Tanner decides to just put his foot in it by revealing that at least one of the guys has said that he has a girlfriend back home. And who might that be you ask? Do you really have to? Yes…Wes the Douche Craven (no I will never plug his website) who hasn’t really had much airtime yet so far, is front and centre again as the biggest douche to ever plug a crappy CD on reality television. So Jillian walks into the room and scolds them all and tells them that whoever it is better step up like a man and take a walk or there’s not going to be no cocktail party…well at least not a 13 guy on 1 girl party anyway. Of course Wes the Douche isn’t going to leave until that d**n song is finished and we’ve heard it at least 300 more times so this is obviously going nowhere. Jillian kills the party and walks out.

The actual rose ceremony was pretty lame too. Once again, after they were lined up like cattle for the slaughter, they were given the chance to confess or….what? Nothing. What was the point? It was pretty funny to watch them squirm and see some of them defend themselves by raising their hands and saying “it’s not me” like schoolchildren but the Douche of Week line goes to our country crooner Wes who threw up his hand and announced “I’m clean”. Huh? So you took a shower? Or you’ve cleared up that STD before coming on the show? And naturally Ragin’ Dave’s solution to the whole fiasco was to suggest that Jillian just tell them who was the snitch so he could invoke the man code and beat the crap out of him. I loved Jake’s tough guy performance though and how he said he came to the show for love and he’d be “pissed” to find out that someone who is not serious about it is taking time away from him to spend with Jillian. I bet that “pissed” is the worst cuss word he’s ever uttered. He is perfect and I must have him. Don’t you worry my gorgeous Ken Doll who FLIES PLANES!!! I’ve got that cornfield now and the airstrip is about half way finished. I’ll save you from your perfect self soon…I promise.

So the roses get handed out and Ragin’ Dave is finally sent packing along with his good buddy Juan the Snake. Of course the terms of Juan’s restraining order against Ragin’ Dave determined that they would leave about 5 minutes apart from each other and head for opposite ends of the country. Next week we’re heading to Whistler BC for a little fun in the snow. Wes the Douche had better start working on the next line for his song because I think his days are numbered….or maybe not. Jillian likes her bad boys and this guy is the very definition of a bad boy so I think he’s still got some time to finish that song.